This is going to be long, SO GET EXCITED! YA!!!
INTRODUCTION
So I have been wanting to do this for a while and just haven't gotten around to it yet. In early June of this year I was sent home from my mission due to medical reasons. I want to kind of go through my pre-mission life, mission experiences, and post being sent home experiences to hopefully help those that may be going through a hard time and give everyone an explanation about what has been happening to me. This is going to be a very blunt and very honest post about my experiences. I am not looking for pity or for advice(trust me I've gotten more than my fair share of advice from people that think they know better than I do!)
PRE-MISSION LIFE
So a little bit about me before the mission. I was born in 1993 and grew up having a normal life until I was around 10 or 11 years old. That's when my parents ended up starting to have a divorce. I don't remember much about my life before I was 16 years old really. Which may be due to the current condition that I am. The divorce was not pleasant in any way shape or form. Both parents trying to convince the children that they were the right ones and that the other parent is a lying, dirty, mean, person. I am sure that most of you who have had parents that have gotten a divorce know how that feels. If you don't, it sucks!
Other than that I had a relatively normal life. My dad got remarried when I was around 14 and my brother and I didn't really fit well with the new family. Still kind of don't but it's gotten a lot better. Anywho, my brother escaped and lived up with my mom and then my sister had moved out as well. So I was at home pretty much alone. I used video games as an escape, and because of that I have a lot of great friends that I've never met in person! I am kind of a nerd, but hey, we all like different things. This will come up later so that's why I mention it.
I never dated (that's a lie I went on 1 date and a couple of dances) before my mission because I have always wanted to go on a mission and nothing else. I didn't want anything standing in my way from what I really wanted to do.
This is a photo of my brother, sister, mom, and I before both my brother and I left for our missions.
We'll keep moving forward because the thing I wanted to focus on the most is after being sent home.
Mission Life
This time was the best time of my life so far! In one of the last talks my dad and I had, I remember one of the last things I said was that I wanted to go on my mission and leave with no regrets. Throughout my mission, that was my mission motto. President Barry, my mission president, had us come up with a motto for our mission and put it on the back of our name tags. Mine was, "Lead, Love, Lift. Give it all, then give more, no regrets now and forever." Whenever I ended my letters to my dad and to President Barry I ended it with "No regrets" as a constant reminder that I wanted to make sure I served my mission with no regrets.
I served in 4 areas while I was out.
Lake Butler (4 1/2 Months)
Dunn Avenue ( 1 1/2 Months)
Palatka 1st (7 1/2 Months)
Mandarin 2nd (1 1/2) Months
(total of 13 months)
I had a very interesting start of a mission. It had a lot of ups and downs but I learned a lot.
I learned a lot.
The 5 biggest things I learned while on my mission. (Short summaries)
1) Obedience
I tried to be exactly obedient as I could, my companion Elder Schuyler, taught me the importance of that. I hope to the other missionaries and to God I was considered an obedient missionary.
2) Repentance and The Atonement
I learned what it truly means to repent, and help others to receive forgiveness through Repentance. I learned how to truly use the Atonement. I am forever grateful for Jesus Christ, without him, I wouldn't be where I am today. Even though I need to improve a lot more, I am just grateful for the knowledge that I have.
3)Service/Charity
I learned how to give service on my mission. I learned how to forget yourself and work hard for others. This is what drove me so hard to last as long as I did when I started having issues.
4) BE YOURSELF
You are you. Don't be someone you aren't. I saw a lot of missionaries try to act like somebody that they weren't. At first, I was the same way. I tried to be the perfect missionary. It didn't work out too well. Haha! Even in life, just not as a missionary. If you are yourself, you will be happier as a person. People will like you more then just some robot that they don't know.
5) Humility
I learned that God doesn't need me, I need Him. I learned that I wasn't some special human being that God should be grateful for that I decided to serve my mission. I am grateful that He has let me serve as long as I have and that everyday I need to go out there and work to help souls come unto Christ. Not because my family wants me to, not because my Bishop wants me to. But because God wants me to. I am grateful for the amount of time that God gave me this far to serve. I hope in the future I'll be blessed with the opportunity to serve again. Not the other way around.
I learned a lot more on my mission than just these five things. But to keep this relatively short, I limited myself.
I am grateful for the experiences God allowed me to have while on my mission. I feel like I had a successful mission and was able to help a lot of people.
Here's a couple photos of me on my mission.
There's obviously a lot more, but that'll do!
Now to the juicy stuff. What's happened. So about 7 months out on my mission while I was in Palatka, I started to get really tired all the time, to the point where I had to just stop sometimes and try to even focus. I would have to think really hard to focus on everything and I had to literally fight daily to stay awake and it really took a toll on me. To the point where I called Sister Barry, the mission president's wife, and explained to her what was going on. She found me an MD to go visit and so I did, his name was Dr. Iftakhar. He was Muslim and we had a lot of good conversations! Anyways, when I went in to see him, he had me go give some blood and get tested for 3 things: diabetes, thyroid, and a sleep test. For the sleep test I had to drive all the way up to Jacksonville to get and take it back, it had to be an at home sleep study.
All three tests came back negative. He found out my ears were really full of ear wax so he cleaned it out for me, but then I lost my hearing in my left ear for a week and had to go back and he had to do it again.
He ended up having no idea what it was and suggested that he could put me on a medical form of speed if I wanted. I politely declined and he said that maybe it had something to do with my tonsils and I may need to get them out. When I heard that I called Sister Barry and she told me that if I were to have to get them out I may need to get sent home because it takes a toll on people who do it at a later age. My response was, No, I would rather deal with it then get sent home and do it there.
Then I continued on my mission. This was when I was called to be a district leader, trainer, and a facebook missionary all in the same transfer. So I kept busy, even biked every other day, but yet I was still struggling. My companions at this time and my district will tell you that they could tell and my companions had to slow it down a bit for me. Even though it still wasn't too slow.
This is at the point where I was having the most success on my mission. Though this trial was happening and I had to fight everyday to keep my head from falling down, I was happy in a strange way and miracles kept happening. I mean, a lot of miracles! I was happy about it, but my health was just getting worse.
This is when I got transferred to Mandarin 2nd, which is in the middle of Jacksonville. Things were bearable, but then things got a lot worse. I slowly progressively got worse to the point where I was in the bathroom in the morning trying to even concentrate and the world was just spinning and I couldn't even think. That's when I called Sister Barry again, actually it was Elder Caleb Jensen who called after we were on a trade off and I literally was on the verge of passing out for 1 hour, even just from sitting. Which, in turn she talked to me and asked me what my thoughts were.
She ended up committing me to sleep as much as I needed and to take it really slow. Which I did. Then in a couple of days after they had talked to Missionary medical and my parents, they decided to send me to the Emergency Room to try and get an MRI on my brain because they feared that it may have been brain cancer.
Well the ER ended up doing the MRI and recommended that I go see a neurologist. They gave me a name and gave me a sheet of paper, telling me what I had. Which at the time, I thought it was just a fake, lame excuse for not knowing what was wrong with me. On the sheet it said I had Chronic Fatigue Syndrome.
Although its name trivializes the illness as little more than mere tiredness, chronic fatigue syndrome (CFS), also known as chronic fatigue and immune dysfunction syndrome (CFIDS), brings with it a constellation of debilitating symptoms.
CFS is characterized by incapacitating fatigue (experienced as profound exhaustion and extremely poor stamina) and problems with concentration and short-term memory. It is also accompanied by flu-like symptoms such as pain in the joints and muscles, unrefreshing sleep, tender lymph nodes, sore throat and headache. A distinctive characteristic of the illness is post-exertional malaise, a worsening of symptoms following physical or mental exertion occurring within 12-48 hours of the exertion and requiring an extended recovery period.
The symptoms of CFS are highly variable and fluctuate in severity, complicating treatment and the ill person’s ability to cope with the illness. Most symptoms are invisible, which makes it difficult for others to understand the vast array of debilitating symptoms with which people with the illness must contend.
Other Common Symptoms
Additional symptoms are reported by people with CFS (PWCs) such as word-finding difficulties, inability to comprehend/retain what is read, inability to calculate numbers and impairment of speech and/or reasoning. PWCs may also have visual disturbances (blurring, sensitivity to light, eye pain, need for frequent prescription changes); psychological problems (depression, irritability, anxiety, panic attacks, personality changes, mood swings); chills and night sweats; shortness of breath; dizziness and balance problems; sensitivity to heat and/or cold; alcohol intolerance; irregular heartbeat; irritable bowel (abdominal pain, diarrhea, constipation, intestinal gas); low-grade fever or low body temperature; numbness, tingling and/or burning sensations in the face or extremities; dryness of the mouth and eyes (sicca syndrome); gynecological problems including PMS and endometriosis; chest pains; rashes; ringing in the ears (tinnitus); allergies and sensitivities to noise/sound, odors, chemicals and medications; weight changes without changes in diet; light-headedness; mental fogginess; fainting; muscle twitching; and seizures.
The neurologist that they wanted me to see out there couldn't get me in for about a month and a half. Which after a lot of prayer and chat between President and Sister Barry and missionary medical and consent from me, they decided to send me home. They didn't want to risk it. Neither did I.
Post Mission Experience
When I arrived home I wasn't the happiest, I was actually very frustrated, feeling like I had failed, that I was weak, that it was all in my head. That if only I had tried harder. I wasn't having the best of time. I kept telling myself over and over, if you are just more obedient God wouldn't give you more than you can handle. You can fight through this. I worked harder and harder and harder but it just made it worse. I was released that night by my stake president because none of us were sure how long I'd be home.
The very next day I was at my family doctors to get a referral to a doctor. I found out I was legally blind in my left eye so I got glasses. He also determined that it would be better to go to an internal specialist. So I did, like two days later. He is a member, and he decided to go shotgun approach. Meaning he had me go give a bunch of blood and stool samples and try to hit as many things as possible to see if anything was having issues. Which I did.
All the tests came back negative. every test...... I wasn't too thrilled, I was hoping for a quick fix, then go back out. Then he ran more tests, negative. I was healthy in every aspect except being low on vitamin D, so he wrote me a perscription for that and sent me on my way, asking me to return in 8 weeks.....
To keep it short, I then went to a homeopathic doctor in Idaho, that didn't work, then I went back to the internal specialist, nothing. Then I went to missionary medical, which they gave me suggestions, I did them, then nothing. Then I got nose surgery hoping that would help, but then nothing ( I do breathe a lot better though!)
Currently I am at another homeopathic doctor seeing if he could help.
This is where I want to get to the nitty gritty though. I've been told what I needed to do, I have people I love, that are very close to me, that it's all in my head, that I'm faking it and that I am lazy and just want to sit at home and do nothing. I've had people tell me that I have to do one thing or another, I have had people tell me if I just ate better and exercised a ton that everything would get better.
People that THINK that they know how I feel, but they don't, only Heavenly Father and Jesus Christ do.
Why do I tell you these things? Because I've lost a lot, I've been on a very up and down road these last 5 months and I feel like what I've learned can help you all not do what I do, and learn a bit more about chronic fatigue.
Daily, I deal with not being able to focus right, being more than just tired, but physically and mentally exhausted, literally all the time. I feel like I have a giant metal sheet cutting through my head daily. I've gained 30 lbs since being home and have started progressively getting more depressed as well. But I have learned a lot, and this is what I've learned.
1) IT IS REALLY EASY TO FALL OUT OF GOOD HABITS. Don't kid yourself, when I was on my mission I was like, I will ALWAYS pray and read everyday and I'll be so good. But guess what I struggle with trying to do everyday now that I've been home? I can make a bunch of excuses but I won't.
2) ENJOY YOUR MISSION. The real world sucks. You think the mission is hard? Try coming home and having to spend thousands of your father's dollars trying to figure out what is wrong because you run out of your money and are constantly in debt. WORK HARD ON YOUR MISSION AND DON'T BE MISERABLE. There's a lot of truth to what President Barry said at the end of each transfer meeting, "They say they are at the end of all their troubles when they finish their missions, they just don't know what end."
3) CARING WHAT OTHER PEOPLE THINK IS DUMB. Don't care what other people think, that doesn't make any sense. I did that way too much when I got home. "oh what does so and so think of me coming home early." "Oh man, this person thinks I'm faking it." "this person thinks I should do this." Well woopidy doo. GOD IS THE ONLY PERSON YOU NEED TO PLEASE.
4) HOW CARING PARENTS REALLY ARE. If it weren't for my parents really believing me, and believing that I wasn't faking, I don't think I'd be here today. Sorry if that makes you feel bad for me. I've had some really low times. My dad and mom have been my rock. My mom making the changes in her life to come closer to God has helped me have a purpose as to why I am home. My dad, letting me vent to him about my frustrations has helped ground me and not driven me crazy. LOVE YOUR PARENTS AND RESPECT THEM.
5) NEVER GIVE UP. I have had points since I have been home that I literally wish I would just not wake up in the morning. Sound like depression? Yeah, I've gotten depression when I've been home, but feeling like your stuck in limbo all the time kind of does that to you. But you know what? I can't give up, God doesn't want me to give up, so I won't.
I'm not posting this to have a pity party for me. I am posting this as a warning to all that it happens to everyone, and if you don't keep your guard up, you will fall, I am not saying I've been an evil child that has done no good since I've been home. I'm just not as good as I used to be.
Right Now
I went and am visiting with a doctor from missionary medical. He is one of the doctors over teams of doctors at missionary medical. He was also my sunday school teacher when I was 16. He looked over my medical records and told me that it is nothing else but just Chronic Fatigue Syndrome. He told me that it would be sheer stupidity to send me back on my mission in this condition and then emailed my Stake President and Bishop the same thing. He also gave me some things to do. He told me that I have nothing to regret.
I am lucky that while on my mission I worked hard and made sure I never had any regrets. I may have only served 13 months so far. But it was and is what God wants for me. I may never be able to finish the last 11 months, but if I don't, I don't regret anything I did out there. (eternally grateful I can say that)
So as of right now, I am going to try to get a part time job that I can handle, I am not going to go to school, don't want to risk ruining my GPA or future because of this incurable disease. I am exercising now and going to the gym as much as I can. I walk for about 40 minutes a day with my dad. That's literally all I can handle now. If I try anything more, I get migraines and throw up or have an asthma attack.
Here's a photo of me recently at my brothers home coming. (me, my sister, and my brother)
I want to end with bearing my testimony.
I have no regrets about my past. I know everything happens for a reason. I KNOW that Jesus Christ is the son of God and that as we live the Gospel of Jesus Christ, Faith, Repentance, Baptism, Receiving the Gift of the Holy Ghost, and enduring to the end, that we will be forgiven of our sins, and be able to live with our Heavenly Father again.
I know that no matter what we go through, even though the trial may last years, that it happens for a reason, and that we are supposed to learn things from it, I can testify that Joseph Smith is a Prophet of God, and that he did restore God's church. I know that because I've read the Book of Mormon and I've prayed about it. The book is true. There is no doubt in my mind. I have felt the changing power of the Atonement and I know that it is real.
I have never once doubted my Faith since being home, I've felt lost and alone at times, but never doubted my testimony. Please no matter what you are going through. Don't give up, Don't stop trying. I can testify that even though I am not better yet that I know I will be. I love life and I love each and every one of the people I know.
I say these things in the name of Jesus Christ,
AMEN!
As you might have been able to gather, I am studying IT at UVU with an emphasis on computer forensics and security. I am about half way done with my bachelor's degree and am taking the summer off for obvious reasons. 
About a year ago Kennedy was able to convince me to have another sleep study and found that I do indeed have sleep apnea. I will have a cpap the rest of my life and look like an elephant and that's totally okay. I am currently getting over a cold and it kind of stinks because when I get a sinus infection I can't wear my mask. 
